The fall/winter holiday season is upon us and for so many, this magical season is filled with family gatherings: visits with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and so many others in our lives. In all of these visits, there will be some kind of greeting (usually hugs and kisses!). Often, we find ourselves insisting that our children give or receive an affectionate greeting during these special gatherings … even if our children resist. It is in that spirit that I share my thoughts with you about consent and how important it is to teach this concept to even our youngest children…
I have the utmost respect for children, all children, and I believe in their innate ability to discern right from wrong, good from bad, truth from fiction, etc. I also believe that every interaction we have with a child demonstrates our respect for them.
When a baby needs a diaper change, we can just change them… or we can narrate that process for them: “Your diaper is wet. Let’s change your diaper so that your body feels more comfortable.” This seemingly small addition to an otherwise transactional interaction gives even our youngest humans the message that they deserve to be included in a process that involves bodies.
For our preschool aged children, one way we can teach them the concept of consent is to ask them first, “Would you like a hug?” If they do not want a hug, we refrain from hugging them. If we are tickling them and they exclaim, “Stop!”, we stop– even if they are squealing from laughter. After all, stop means stop.
At school, every time I am able, I greet each of my young learners outside by offering them the chance to determine how they would like to engage in a greeting with me. I say, “Would you like a handshake?” And because I am a particularly playful human, I follow that question with, “Would you like to twirl?” Most of them do want to “shake and twirl” but some would rather not and when that happens, I make sure they know that’s ok.
This is hard for some of us as adults because we fear that if we don’t insist that our children greet others with a firm handshake, that it is a sign of disrespect. When this happens during our morning greeting, I simply say to the child, “that’s ok. You don’t have to shake my hand. How about a curtsy, or a fist bump? How about you and I twirl at the same time without touching hands?” However they feel most comfortable to greet me is perfectly appropriate and entirely acceptable.
There are multiple ways to respectfully greet someone. When we demonstrate respect to our children by offering them a few greeting options that feel most comfortable for them, two things happen:
- They begin to internalize what feels instinctively right and good to them;
- They develop agency.
Combined, these two things build confidence in our children, the confidence to:
- Stand up for themselves in even the toughest moments;
- Believe and trust their instincts.
Eventually, most children who might have at one point been reluctant to shake my hand will develop the desire and readiness to “shake and twirl” (or another form of greeting that they feel most aligned with). And when that happens, it will not have been as a result of being coerced into something they weren’t ready for or scolded for not being polite or brave enough. They will have come to that decision on their own, leading them to consent to engaging in a greeting that feels just right for them.
My great hope and belief is that these tiny and also mighty daily lessons will contribute to our young learners’ ability to trust themselves and to make decisions throughout their lives that ensure that they feel safe, seen and heard.
Click HERE to see a video of Carrie and our young learners playfully practicing consent every day during arrival!